As I sit in my very quiet house listening to the white noise machine in my bedroom and the windy, stormy weather outside, I'm surprised by the fact that even as a fully grown adult, I'm still slightly scared of stormy nights.
The power went out for approximately five seconds, and while Josh just stood there with this face that said "why'd the lights go off?", I went into full "Oh crap! Where's the lantern? Is my phone charged? Should I have Josh sleep in my room tonight?" overthinking mode. I'm a planner. While I do enjoy doing things last minute, I like to be prepared for anything and everything.
When it comes to rainy days though, I know that I can't be the only person who wants to curl up under a blanket, in front of a fire with a good book and some hot chocolate any time it's raining. That want however is easier said than done once there are kids in the picture (or at least young kids). Today we played in the rain, watched the multiple downpours of hail, snacked all day vs. eating actual meals because mommy was lazy, snuggled up for some movies, went for an evening walk in the cold wind and had plenty of laughs.
Even during times of complete joy though, I can suddenly be hit with immense sadness.
While bouncing a laughing Jonathan on my knee, I burst into tears because I was suddenly hit with the full force of how much I miss Matt and just how much he's missing in the boys lives. Jonathan is already six months and Matt only knew him for 19 days. This little boy now has a full on personality and is quite active and attentive. Matt is missing all of this while living on a ship, across an ocean. He doesn't get to see how much these boys of ours enjoy each other. He doesn't get to watch how Jonathan is always laser focused on what Josh is doing, how they snuggle each other on the couch or how Josh will go up to Jonathan to hug, kiss and try to make him laugh. He's missed Josh go from "baby" to just "boy" with his looks and he doesn't get to witness how much Josh likes to help me with everything.
Sometime towards the end of this year, he will come home to us. Till then, I get to be both mommy and daddy, protector, bug killer, builder, plumber, electrician and all around "handy man", maid, chef and so much more. I'll be adding teacher (again) to that list pretty soon as I prepare to start Josh with some preschool. While I am capable of wearing all of these hats while Matt is gone, I can't wait to share them again.
And also have my big strong man to keep me safe during the scary storms!