Updated: Apr 26
So it’s been a couple of weeks since Josh’s diagnosis and I’ve had some time to digest it all. I’m sure I still have a ways to go but it’s no longer completely raw. I’m still not completely sure on what to do or how to do it, but I love my boys and will continue doing everything in my power to be the best for them possible. As I said previously, I purchased many, many books to learn all that I can along with joining different autism support groups on Facebook. Something happened with my new knowledge from reading though; my life went so negative and my depression got the worst it’s been since before I met Matt (scary dark, suicidal thoughts and literally no positives). These thoughts are different when you have kids though. Luckily I wasn’t so far gone that they didn’t make a difference in how I was feeling. I knew that because of my boys, I had to pull myself out of this and fast. I scared myself. I found that reading all of these things showed me how not happy so many parents are who are dealing with children with autism. How they feel trapped, no longer have control of their lives and have grown to resent their children and their ”new normal”. Hardly anything I read was positive which to say in the least, absolutely is NOT helpful for a new family with this diagnosis. I’ve had to swear off reading all of my books or the posts from the autism support groups. It’s too much negativity and unhelpfulness. I might come back to some of the books that explain different things that can be more helpful for people with autism or glimpses into how they think compared to neuro-typical people but for now, it’s a hard no. I’m going to continue with my pre-diagnosis plan of homeschooling because I just don’t trust the government to teach my children; and yes, there are many people I know who went through the public school system (my husband being one of them) who turned out great but there’s so much indoctrination these days for this conservative, Christian mama that we’ll be holding off.
We like the idea of putting Josh into the preschool at our church because we trust them but after talking with them, aren’t sure that they can offer everything Josh might need (attention-wise with ratios). I got on a lifestyle/diet change in January and have lost 30 pounds! I’ve done really well with it till two weeks ago and started eating my feelings. Somehow, I didn’t gain any weight back in that timeframe which is really helpful so I’ll be starting again to finish out my weight loss and shift to weight management. My goal is to be able to keep up with the boys and to be hot stuff. I’ve learned with all of this recent stress and how it has brought back a lot of depression that it directly effects how much I care or don’t care about my health. As I’m now shifting how I’m handling this diagnosis and going back to seeing my boy as the perfect human being that God created him to be and the mother that He picked me to be; rather than seeing Josh as this diagnosis and all the possible hardships that we are now aware of lying in our future. I’m the type of person that will put on a mask. I will be the strong one, the rock, unwavering in my ability to handle anything that life throws at me and do it all with ease to the onlookers of my life. There are very few people who I truly open up to about what I’m actually growing through and dealing with. I’m learning as I get back into blogging that it’s good to be open. I can keep myself accountable, lay some of the burdens down and possibly help others in similar situations.
It‘s time to get back to loving my children, my husband and myself.