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Mommy Loneliness

My morning started at 4am when my eldest crawled into bed with me. He wouldn't stop rolling or fidgeting as he tried his best to fall back to sleep. Jump ahead 30 minutes and in came my middle son.

After some cries, whines, and quiet telling off, my eldest fell back to sleep and I gave up on it; leaving my warm bed and chance for snuggles and sleep. Up I got along with Jonathan who is my almost constant shadow.

I figured it was a good chance for some actual Bible time and prayer. What I didn't realize was how hard it is for me to sit and focus on anything other than letting my eyelids close when I'm that tired.

It was a long and very busy weekend, filled with family and fun. We ran from one activity to another and had some late nights and hardly any naps. When we got to last night, after I got the kids down; I realized that I wasn't only in need of sleep kind of tired, I was mentally tired. We got a couple of days that we were able to say "hi" and see Matt on video call while he was in port, but the ship got underway again and cut wifi again. So now we are back to wondering how long the ship will be out till they pull into another foreign port so we can "talk to daddy" again.

In the loneliness of missing Matt and how much we enjoy each-others company, I am so grateful to have Matt's cousin living with us to be my friend and give me another adult in the house.

Growing up, I had lots of friends. Not a crazy amount, but a good handful that I played with and later in teen years had sleepovers with and lots of outings together. I learned that as an adult, when most of the friend group goes off to different colleges and ends up living in different cities, states and even countries, it's hard to foster those relationships and most of them turn into Christmas cards, "likes" on facebook posts, and polite small talk here and there. It's difficult to have a very close relationship with anyone when you don't see them that often or are like me and don't necessarily remember to keep up with people if you don't physically see them; throw in kids and it becomes near impossible with conflicting schedules and taking turns getting sick.

I've reached a point in motherhood where (at this time in my life), the most difficult part is the loneliness. It's lonely not having friends that I can call up for a long chat, hang out with, go out with, and just do life together with.

I'm at a point in my life that I can say I have many "acquaintances" but not friends. Lots of friendly faces on Sunday at church for a smile, "hi", and small chat but no one I actually get together with more than once or less a month and it's lonely.

How do adults (especially mothers) make friends?

What I'm the most jealous of is seeing other moms and women who actually have friends. Who's friends also have children and their children are all friends. They get together for playdates, dinner parties, Birthday parties, life events, summertime fun; they are doing life together in community and honestly, I'm green with envy. They think to reach out to one another in difficult times, when their lives are great and are always inviting each other to something or even to do nothing. The thought behind having a friend where you think "so-in-so would like this, I'm going to invite her", or "it's been a couple of days since I've seen and/or heard from so-in-so, I should fix that". The amount of times I have attempted to make more friends (especially mom friends) only to have it end in awkward small talk and just not work out.

This post is in no way a slap at anyone who knows me. I am merely pointing out my loneliness in a deployed spouse, having young kids, and no other moms that I get together with. I think a lot of moms get into the groove of their life and before we know it, it's been weeks or months since talking or getting together with another mom.

In an attempt of desperation, I signed up for a life group at my church in hopes of making friends. We will just have to wait and see if that works and if I can get over my reserved awkwardness in being around others that I don't know.

This is a late post as I've been going back and forth on posting it since I don't want anyone who knows me to feel like they should try harder. But, if I feel lonely, I'm sure there's other mom's who feel similarly.

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